WARNING: Spring cycling dangers

Although the groundhog saw his shadow last week, many less than hardcore cyclists are gearing up for the warmer weather.

I, for one, have been training extremely hard. I faithfully read my over-the-toilet copy of VeloNews that I got in the airport over Christmas vacation.

Because I look out for your welfare, faithful reader(s?), I want to warn you of some dangers that lurk during the spring riding season.

I know you have been patient during the winter, sipping Starbucks and gumming Krispy Kremes, but I also know as soon as the pavement is dry, you'll be taking your shiny, new Trek Madone (a Christmas present to yourself) out for a spin.

DANGER #1:
Please, if you must ride, DRESS YOUR SPEED.

Yes, I'm talking to you, CEO boy. Yes, you, with the 90+ hour day job. You, who has enough time to ride every a few hours every other month, but keeps the bike rack on the mega-SUV just in case.

I know you've already purchased your favorite team kit, but please, observe the first of the Sacred Laws of Spandex.

MANBOOBS * BEERGUT * HOURS SPENT IN THE OFFICE / 12 = your team kit quotient.

If your team kit quotient is over 1, I'm sorry, but you'll have to shelve the T-Mobile kit for another season.

Try a grungy old tee shirt to hide the mboobs, gut and roached back. It's a good plan because it'll make you look more humble on your high-class steed. Plain black cycling shorts will complete the ensemble.

Sure, back in your fraternity days, you could still look good after endless nights and days of debauchery. At 40, those days have sadly passed just like the skinny 20-somethings who smoke your ass on the bike trail. Be mindful of this and...

DANGER #2:
Learn to stay to the right.

Again, this applies to the fancypants guys who ride the trails. (What, you can ride a bike on the roadway, too? Isn't that unsafe?)

Weaving like a 10-year-old child is highly unacceptable. Remember the rules of the trail apply to you and your fancypants bike as much as the next guy.

If you have made it to warp speed (10 mph), be sure to yell out, "Outta my way!" as you run over kids on training wheels.

DANGER #3:
Make sure your bike's operable before you set out.

This actually applies to every ride, but after a long winter in the basement, your bike may need some adjustment.

Just remember, if your chain is dragging on the ground, don't you dare get your hands dirty popping the chain back on. That's dangerous! Instead, immediately bring your bike to the snobbish (yes, they are being snobby to you, ignoramus!) bike shop that caters to little kids and hobbyists just like yourself.

They'll pop that chain back on for you and even put some air in the tires. (What, I have to put air in the tires?!?)

TO BE CONTINUED...

biking